May...still a difficult month for me

Don't know if I can post tomorrow or not so I'm posting this today. Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of my mom's passing. She is greatly missed.
I find myself wondering why getting over her death has been harder than getting over the death of my father. I've come to the conclusion that when my dad passed (Feb. 8, 2004) we had mom to worry about and take care of so there was little time to think and little time to mourn. Mom had been ill with Alzhiemers for about 7 years and the last three years of her illness where intense and then suddenly she was gone and I had nothing but time to mourn and comb through her belongings and see all the things that she had enjoyed. We're still finding things that I don't know what to do with. It's crazy. Because of this I have given away things of my own that don't have particular meaning for anyone so our kids won't have to go through the same task.
The old saying that time heals all wounds are wrong. It just dulls the pain.
On a happier note we have been having some good rain and Austin is green again.

Nothing much going on

Not much going on that's interesting right now. We voted in the primary and we're pretty sick of seeing all the political ads, stories, squabbles, etc.. I don't know if I would look into the future to see what happens in November because I might not want to know and for now ignorance could be bliss.
I've done a little better on the exercise front, not as good as I should be doing but at least I'm doing something.
President Obama is in town today for SXSW so we're staying home. In the area where suspected traffic gridlock is suspected to be they are letting school out early and asking people to work from home if at all possible. Not only do we have the influx of people for this but the rodeo is in town and soon some basketball. It's crazy full of tourists.
Still struggling with missing my folks, especially my mom but I guess time is the only thing that will ease that pain. Read that Glen Campbell has reached the stage of Alzheimer's where he doesn't recognize people or things and has trouble talking. Such a painful disease for the family. Wish they could eradicate it.

Still Struggling

It's been a long while since I've posted anything here. Still struggling with the loss of my mom and it's been over a year now since she left us. I guess the years of care giving have made it harder because taking care of her was my purpose in life and suddenly it was taken away from me. I love my family and they have made it possible for me t function as normal as possible through all that has transpired in the past few years. I feel for all those people who are having to go through the same thing that we went through. All I I can tell them is that it too shall pass.
We have done a few fun things, like go to movies, take a short trip to Shreveport to gamble a bit, etc. I want to go to the gulf but so far we having worked out a time to get there.
I've tried to get back to painting and writing but so far it's been a no go there. I have started reading again, thanks Stephen King for being so prolific and writing novels and short stories that take me away to other places. Looking at social sites like FB have taken my mind off things from time to time but quite often I find that we wade through many posts that are the same due to all the sharing that goes on. Still, it's been a way to keep up with people who don't use snail mail or make phone calls.
Not much else to say right now but hopefully I will get up to speed again and get on with life.

Things I've been doing.

Been a while since I've posted anything. My excuses are many but I'll not bore you by listing them here. I'm posting some pictures to let you know what's been going on in my life. The first one is about the things we put in my moms coffin (aaaah I hate writing that word). I figured ancient Egyptians did it to accompany the deceased to the new world so I could do it for my mom. She was buried in a green pant suit that she made and green was her favorite color. An elephant pin and elephant earrings because she had a love for them. She said she admired them for taking care of each other and working hard. A Pearl S. Buck book because she was her favorite author. Her black dancing shoes with rhinestones, and her little black and white hounds tooth checked bag she took to the dances with 2 dollars and some change in it (she always worried about having a little money on her), also a couple of tissues. A pair of clean under pants because she always told me you should have them just in case you had to go to the hospital. Her everyday shoes that I couldn't bear to throw out or give to anyone else. The photo was shown on a pedestal to let people see how beautiful she was plus she did not want an open casket so this seemed like the right thing to do.

The second picture is of the Mississippi River crossing at Vicksburg, MS. We stopped here to eat our lunch on the way back home from attending my brother-in-laws funeral in Alabama. It was a beautiful day and a lovely place to stop and relax.

 

 

 

Went to see the English comic Eddie Izzard. He was very funny and we enjoyed his show and the Q&A session after the show.

Out one sunny morning walking with Evie.

Doing the Walk to End Alzheimer's with Pam in San Angelo.

At the Molly Awards with Krystal. She interns with the Texas Observer and got a ticket and took me as her plus one. She did all the graphic design work for the event. The dinner was really good and the speaker was as well. She's the wife of a politician from Illinois but I can't remember her name at the moment. She was funny and informative.

 



Mussings during the last days of December 2013

Our mom turned 87 in December but we lost the essence of who she was about four years ago.She started repeating things over and over and forgetting where her beauty shop was and small things like that. Then she'd forget a name and could not recognize people that she did not see often. Then June 30, 2012 she did not know who I was and that hurt, a lot.   Now she often does not know who we are but she forgets who she is and does not recognize herself in the mirror or in pictures.  Reality for her has become what she imagines in her head. More than once she has gotten up in the morning and looked for her husband (our dad died almost ten years ago) and she told me her brother was coming to get her; he too has died, many years go. My family and I have learned just to accept and not try and  understand her world because if you try to help her or correct the facts for her she just gets angry and upset. Sometimes in a violent way.   So we listen and do what we can to help her maintain some sense of dignity.
Some find her dementia a bit amusing, I know, because her mental connections (or lack of them) can at times become decidedly different from reality. But her confusion and worry are real to her, as is her pain, and there is nothing comical about that. On some level, I know she knows something is wrong with her though she cannot articulate it. Her increasingly frequent paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations, however, say all that needs to be said. She may have dementia but she has not lost her capacity to feel or fear. No amount of empathy from me can fill the deep hole that has opened in her life, and in her despair she is perhaps most connected to the reality that is here and the reality that awaits her.
I know I am not alone in facing both the helplessness I feel in trying to be of some aid to her and in the guilt that comes with the fact I do not -- perhaps cannot -- do more. Many caretakers and loved ones have it far worse than I do, because I can still talk to her -- though what transpires on a daily basis is more a monologue in which I listen to what she is saying and she ignores whatever I say.
The number of people, some young but mostly elderly, with dementia will rise dramatically as the population ages. This may be my future as well,  should I be fortunate enough to live a long life. At the same time, our ability to fight this disease and give those afflicted some additional years of mental capacity and a good quality of life is sorely lacking. Sadly, at this time no cure exists.
I know, most likely in the not too distant future, my mother will be gone in body as she now is in mind. Dementia will not only continue to overtake her but will, the medical professionals tell me, diminish both her will and capacity to live. I hang on to the thought during the twilight of her life that this is the natural course of things just as I realize that she has lived a long and full life. In that sense losing her carries nothing of the tragedy of those killed in wars or horrid events such as the many school shootings we have had that cut young promising lives short But that does not mean that losing her will come without pain. Amidst the sorrow, we will find ways to let her go and celebrate her life.

October Thoughts

Grrrr...stupid Google always has the dumb pop up ads (that are supposed to be blocked) wanting you to upgrade to Google+ I don't want to do that, so I won't
It's October already and for once we have chilly windy weather here in Austin. Yeah! We've had some nice rain too. Double Yeah! Not drought busting rain but enough rain to turn things green again.
Our mom has been having ups and downs and therefore so have we as her dementia worsens. Yesterday she was on a tear of epic proportions and we did what we could to stay out of her way. She didn't like any of us, would not take her meds, and kept rattling the screened front door and yelling for the police that we were keeping her prisoner. Sigh. Frank finally managed to talk her into taking a lorazapam. He did this by being tricky. She wanted to go out back and sit on the patio. He said he would unlock the door and go sit outside with her if she took her pills. After 15 minutes or so of back and forth wrangling she finally took one. She bad mouthed me while they were outside and gradually the meds took hold and she was back to herself and I was  her 'sweet girl' again. Last night she called me into her room. She had wrapped up her poop and kind of smeared some around on the commode so I had to go in and clean it up. Good thing I have gloves and lots of disinfectant wipes and sprays. So that was two of my yesterdays, how was yours?
Today it's been okay and we're hoping it stays that way. The lady we hired from Professional Caretakers has not come in this morning nor has she called. I wonder if mom scared her off last Saturday because she was kind of wild for half of the morning. Speaking of wild, my mom just came in and told me that some women were in her room taking everything. Sigh. Of course there are not any women in her room but I went and looked and told them to get out and then my mom went to the living room and laid on the couch, still talking about them. Hope that's as bad as it gets today.
On a happy note. Krystal starts a new Internship with the Texas Observer on Tuesday. She's looking forward to it. It pays a bit but the important thing is the experience she will get out of working there. Also the Longhorns beat the Sooners in last Saturdays Red River Rivalry! Yippee!

Summer, blech

August is moving along quickly and soon school will start again and another year will be history. As a kid my memories are of long and lazy summers and even long not so lazy school years. Now the days whiz by as I hurtle towards the inevitable that we all must face. Guess time is relative.
On a personal note I've just be diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and have to undergo a couple of tests next week and start on some anti-thyroid medication after that. This is sort of a good thing because it explains a lot of the symptoms that I've been having. The hard part is that hyperthyroidism is hard to control so they usually get you hypothyroid because that is easier to treat. Ah well like they say it's always something.
On the mom front things are still spiraling down. She's having more bad times and not remembering things she did remember only a month ago like her son. She brought me his picture and asked me who he was and when I told her who he was she said he wasn't her son but her brother.  I think pictures confuse her because she does not even recognize herself in them. She doesn't recognize us a lot of the time either and this occurs mostly between the hours of 1 and 7, or the witching hours as I call them. There have also been times when she will not take her medication and locks her door because she says people are out to kill her. We have a key to the door so the door locking is not worrisome. Also she has had a couple of times where she was really out of control cursing me and actually taking a swing at me.  One thing I did find out by trial and error was not to give her anything chocolate with her medications. It really causes her to freak out. This wouldn't have a been a problem years ago because she never used to like chocolate but now she likes anything sweet including chocolate. Pam told us that as we age we start to lose our taste buds with sweet ones some of the last to go so that is one reason elderly people like sweets and why things like spicy foods don't register. Back to my point of not mixing chocolate with medications like anti-psychotics. We think it affects her that way because of the serotonin in chocolate that affects moods mixing with the medications that also do the same thing. It may be it overloads the system. So we do not do that anymore. I'm going to make an appointment with her doctor and go talk to him as her advocate and discuss her medications and any other treatment options available. We only need to take her in to see him when she needs a physical exam or lab tests. Also home health can come out and help evaluate her. And no, she still does not want any comfort care people to be here. I live to hope this will change.
So that's our summer so far. Hope yours is better.

LITTLE REST LAST NIGHT

Well it was a bumpy night . Mom never did get to sleep. I dozed off and on relying on the baby monitor to alert me if she left her room. She came out of her room a little after 5AM and Frank got up and made her some toast and gave her some orange juice. She went back to her room and came out again a little after seven. All the while even in my stupor, I could hear her talking. Frank made her some oatmeal and she went back to bed but I can hear her still talking and walking around her room. I pray that she surely will have to crash soon.  It is my opinion, based on my experiences in taking care of her that she is 'cycling'. It is a condition that happens every six to seven days that results in extreme erratic behavior. After the behavior ends she crashes into a deep sleep for many hours and when she wakes she is back to her normal self, or what counts for normal given her severe cognitive decline.

Late Night Ramblings

It's 11:30am. I went to sleep about 10 but then was awakened by my mom walking down the hallway. I got up and found her in the kitchen. She was looking for "Homer", an old boyfriend she used to see after our dad died. Homer has since died and I guess he's easier to remember than our dad is since he died 2 years ago and our dad died 9 years ago. Anyway, I got her back into bed and about 15 minutes later she got up again and said her mother was bringing her something and wanted to sit on the porch and wait for her.  Her mother died about 66 years ago. I got her into bed again. Hopefully she'll stay in bed this time and fall asleep and I can get some sleep too. I'll say it again, I wouldn't wish dementia/alz on anyone. It's horrible. I hope other care givers all over the world can get some sleep tonight to face another day in purgatory. There are bright moments to be sure but they are few and far between since her disease has progressed. She was such an independent, regal, smart, tireless and optimistic person that it's heartbreaking to see her deteriorate. Sometimes I pray for her release and then feel bad for doing so. Thank goodness for my husband who helps me get through each day and also our children and grand children who offer the support they can. Friends too, like Elaine. They all are angels and I couldn't do this without them. The posting says I posted this at 9 something pm, I wonder if the blogpost server is on west coast time? Cause it's almost midnight my time.

ALZ Progressing

My mom as beautiful as ever. We went to Gillis Park on Sunday just for a little outing and she seemed to enjoy it. Alas, after we got home she thought we were some place else and she said her husband was coming to take her home and she sat and waited by the kitchen window for this to happen. For those of you who don't know, her husband, our father, died 9 years ago. Heart breaking isn't it? Needless to say it took some cajoling and just out right lying on our part for us to bring her back to a place where she allowed me to escort her to her room to lay down and rest. ALZ is a ruthless enemy and sadly, at least for now, an enemy that cannot be defeated.  The little brace on her arm is to help with a form of tendinitis that has been bothering her. A home health therapist comes in twice a week to help diminish the pain from the inflamed tendons at the base of her thumb and arm.

Updating in April

 

Derick dressed for work. He's sharp. :-)

Frank working out with the walker. He's doing well, the next appointment with his surgeon is in May.







Thoughts, prayers, good vibes go out to the people of Boston, Mass. and West, Tx. Both tragic events. Kudos to the police and to the brave first responders and volunteers at the Boston Marathon and to the agencies that caught the culprits so quickly. Also heartfelt thanks to the volunteer firemen who lost their lives in West and the young officer at MIT who lost his life responding to a call.  To all who raced in to help, thank you.


The following information contains excerpts from care giving sites. There are many of them out there, some too commercial, some just places for venting, and some that provide great information and also helpful tips and comfort from other care givers. I've adjusted the talking points with facts that fit my situation. The quoted sections are answers I've found. The info I did not find pertinent I left out.

1: I find myself correcting information my Mom gets wrong even though I know she gets facts confused because of her Alzheimer's. Arguing is counterproductive and  oft times just becomes upsetting to her and to me.  Experts say I should agree with her statements no matter how outlandish they seem. This is difficult but I've been trying to do this and misdirect her instead of correcting her.

"Admittedly it's hard to listen to people you once admired for their wisdom make bizarre statements, so your reflex reaction is to correct them. Also, you may feel that "lying" to your parent or spouse is wrong. You may even feel that agreeing with them when they are wrong is condescending.
It's important for you to change your thought process. Accept the wisdom of those who've studied the disease. They will tell you that when you validate your loved one, you are showing compassion. Conversely, arguing only increases the person's agitation and decreases their self-esteem. Your loved one with Alzheimer's disease is living in a reality that is different than yours, but just as real to him or her. You are the well person, so it's up to you to try to share your loved one's reality. When you adapt to this way of thinking, life will be easier for both of you. (Read: 10 Tips for Talking to Someone With Alzheimer's)"

2: Sometimes I'm angry with family members and the few friends she has  because they won't make any attempt to see Mom. It's true that she often doesn't recognize them and forgets they have even been here, but I feel they should try to visit anyway. I don't understand how people almost always make time to attend a funeral for their friends and 'loved ones' but don't find the time to visit or call them. Flowers and words of comfort and love are for the living since the dead can no longer hear or benefit from them.

"As unfair as it seems, there are many reasons why they don't visit. Try to understand why they don't  feel their visits are meaningful. To visit someone who doesn't remember who they are and will forget their visit as soon as they walk out the door seems like a waste of time.
Then suggest that they visit whenever they can for their own sake. Let them know that you understand that it's hard for them and it may seem like a lost cause. Offer them the perspective that they will  probably feel better emotionally after she is gone because they know that they did make an effort to visit and comfort her while it was still possible." 

3: I've so happy when Mom is content that I feel hope she will recover even though  her doctor and the visiting workers say this is not possible.  Alzheimer's (and pretty much other types of dementia)is a progressive disease.

"You deserve to take time to enjoy the fact that your mom has moments of  'normalcy'.However, care giving needs can change quickly. It would be wise to give yourself a deadline to begin researching the next step in her care. I'd suggest that you go online to your state website and type "aging" in the search box. By doing so, you'll be led to many resources that your state provides. This process will help you develop a plan for your mom's future care."

4: I keep putting off making an appointment for my physical and my mammogram because Mom has so many medical appointments. This is time consuming, and I get tired of sitting in hospitals and doctor's offices,

"This is your time to take care of yourself. Your mom has professionals looking after her most of the time. Yes, you take her to medical appointments, but you still need to make time for your own. As I mentioned above, care needs can change quickly. Use this time to get caught up on your own care – physical and mental. If you do this, you'll feel more prepared for changes in your mom's care needs.
Now, it's time to write out your own lists. Delete the suggestions above that don't apply to you and then add your own take on things. Maybe you'll only have one or two negative areas that could use improvement. Maybe you won't have any. It's still a good exercise to think about your routine from time to time in case you can upgrade your own quality of life and maybe even that of your care receiver. What better time to do this than spring?"

December Entry

 

It's December and things are going along, bumpy, but okay. My little mom has a few more delusions than before but she still enjoys eating popcicle, sitting outside and feeling the sunshine on her face, and getting hugs. Not the mom who raised my brother and me but still mom. I wonder why this terrible disease has been visited on her and thousands of others but no answer to that ever comes. We just have to deal with it minute by minute. We plan to go to our sons on Christmas Day and they are good hosts so I know we'll have a nice time.
I'm posting a few pictures that Cyndi took of books that were donated to her classroom by family and some unknown donors. The Special Ed kids she teaches will enjoy them as will others who come after them. They were donated in honor of Frank's sister Liz, aka Virginia Elizabeth Carr, who was much loved by the family.
Many thanks to Cherly, Evie, and the others who donated.

                                                               

 

I saw this a while ago and the power of it has stayed with me. The artist William Utermohlen created these self-portraits as his disease (Alzheimer's) progressed. It's heartbreaking isn't it? If my mom who is suffering from the same disease could draw I wonder how she would portray herself.

Catch up on a hot November Sunday



Our mom Nellie, Mike, Cyndi

Cyndi, Frankie, Pam, Evie

Things are going pretty well.The mobile unit came with a group that included a doctor, speech therapist, and an aide. They ran a swallow test on mom and as suspected it showed that she has dysphagia and is at high risk for developing pneumonia from aspirating liquids and food. We had a follow up visit that gave us tips and information on the types of food and drink we should be serving her. She also had to make a trip to the dentist to repair a filling she had been picking at and finally flicked out. Since no water can be used to cool a drill, wash out, etc. they had to do an acrylic one that while not pretty at leas filled the hole left and will prevent anymore decay from setting in. She then had a blood test to check her potassium level. So it was a busy few weeks for us all. She fell last week coming out of the bathroom and Frank got to her before I did and he picked her up and put her on her bed. Luckily she did not hurt herself. She's very wobbly these days so falling is a something we have to watch out for. At a physical therapy session they showed me how to fall with her and let myself take the brunt of it. Hope I don't have to use that technique but something learned is always a good thing.
We did the early voting thing. I went by myself and then my husband and granddaughter went. Wanted to take mom and brought home a sample ballot but she really didn't know what was up. Also (and this made me cry when I saw it) she has trouble signing her name. When the physical therapist had her sign her visit paper mom was printing letters and she printed an 'n eo' and then an 'L' on another line. First time that ever happened. She also forgot how to brush her teeth. I put the toothpaste on the brush and get her started and then she is okay. The decline is slow and painful to watch but she seems happy and we are able to keep her comfy, clean, and fed. I think there are more good days then bad days.
Yesterday our grandson (who just got his Cosmetology license) came and cut my hair, our granddaughters, and mom's. He did a great job and we all good. :-)
The photos are some I found and I don't know if I posted them before but if I did just ignore them. ;-) The one with mom was taken a few months ago when they were taking her to a dance. The one of the brothers and sisters was taken in August when Evie was here.

Things are going pretty much the same. No word on when they will come do the swallowing x-ray for mom but I guess it will be soon. She's doing fine, a little wobbly when she walks and a lot confused in the afternoon. I did find a new term for a phenomena that a lot of caregivers experience. When caring for a dementia patient you sometimes find that they can appear as if nothing is wrong with them in front of strangers or people they do not often see. This behaviour is called 'Showtimers'. The patient can muster up the strength to be at their best, for a while and sometimes it can appear to others that they are not suffering from dementia. My mom has done this but it gets harder and harder for her to do it these days. Again, this disease is horrendous, maddening, and frustrating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

We got some rain and today this morning the temperature is cooler but it was around 90 yesterday. Sigh, this up and down temperature mode is annoying but it's common for central Texas.

Photos

There photos here. Frank's brother Richard came into town for a conference and stopped by for supper and a visit with us. All the men came by as you can see. Second photo is of Richard and Frank. Third picture is of the flyover of the space shuttle. Not a good photo because it was misty and cloudy that morning and the plane was already gaining altitude by the time we saw it. Still it was fun to watch it fly by.



space shuttle flyover-austin, tx 2012



Time flies even when you are not having fun

Geez whatever I thought of posting has fled my mind. Guess it might be because my husband and I got to go out and eat at the Olive Garden, alone, and had a nice time. Our daughter Cyndi came by to sit with my mom and we thank her for that. Also got a break last weekend when our eldest daughter Pam came down and we got to scoot out of the house for a couple of hours to shop. It was nice.
Mom's skilled nursing is over as her orthostatic hypotension is now under control. A speech therapist came by on Friday, not to assess her speech, but to evaluate her swallowing. Mom coughs when she drinks any kind of liquids and it seems you use the same muscles to swallow that you do to talk, or something like that. Anyhow she put sent her report to her doctor and they will come and do an x-ray of her swallowing here at the house! Who knew they could do that? Not us for sure. It's better to have medical people come to the house because it is easier on my mom. We took her to the doctor this past Monday and aside from her having low potassium she was doing as well as can be expected. So I'm giving her liquid potassium once a day for three weeks and then they will repeat the test. My days are filled with care giving, doctor visits, health care nurses (now over) and the like. At least I know what is happening to my mom and she's not scared and alone in a strange place. Sometimes she doesn't think she lives here and thinks I'm someone else and I shudder to think what she would do in an unknown environment. End of life care especially when complicated by dementia of the Alzheimer's type is very hard but I draw strength from my family and that certainly helps. One thing I sorely wish for is for mom to let us bring in a paid home health care aide but I don't see it happening anytime soon. She barely let the nurse in the house and sometimes she had to see her out on the patio.
One day while helping to prepare dinner I had left mom on the patio and checked on her every fifteen minutes or so. Well while I was getting pans out from the cupboard we heard a knock on the door and it was a lady that said there was an elderly woman tyring to flag down cars (thankfully from inside the fence that had a locked gate). She told the lady she had been kidnapped and that we were going to kill her. Thank goodness the lady in question said she had gone through something similar with her dad and knew what was happening. So mom has to be watched much closer than I thought. Oh well you do what has to be done.
So kudos to all you caregivers out there. It's a tough job but one I think is doable. Just give yourself a break now and then, easier said than done, but something that is needed.
On a more upbeat note Frank's brother Richard came by for a nice visit and the two bros got to chat and chat for hours. It was fun having him here and listening to their stories. I know it did a world of good for Frank. I'll post a picture or two later on.

A Quite Saturday Morning

I found this question on site I visit quite often agingcare.com. This question could have been asked by me with just a change in the wording  from 'father' to 'mother'. The answer gave me some insight, so I hope it might help others deal with someone suffering from dementia too.
The past week has had it's ups and downs. Yesterday was going pretty well until my mom started yelling and scurrying down the hall that a 'lady' had told her to come out into the hall so she could tell her that she was going to be arrested so she could get her house. Somehow the thought of losing her home weighs large inside my mom's mind and she comes out with different scenarios about people trying to take it away from her. We do our best to reassure her that all is well and most times we can calm her. All I can think is that at times it must be hell inside her mind. The 'long goodbye' is indeed a cruel disease. I hate it.
The lines marked in red are what we identify with the most in the article.
Q: It hurts to see my father with Alzheimer's deteriorating before my eyes. How can I accept the decline?
A: Many people who have experienced a loved one's dementia have said that given the choice, they'd rather deal with almost any other ailment, no matter how painful or debilitating. There's little we can do to fix the deterioration of memory, communication skills, and reasoning that dementia steals away. Few experiences are as frustrating as watching a once-vibrant person deteriorate into a confused stranger. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's hard to accept gracefully.
Try to remain calm. Pain and helplessness breed anger, and anger about the situation may spill over onto the person. Answering the same question 20 times in one afternoon or hearing your loved one recite a skewed account of events for the hundredth time can make you want to scream, but losing your cool helps nobody. Remind yourself that your father did not develop dementia to annoy you: He's not doing it on purpose, and he can't help it. And it isn't your fault, either. It just happened.
So change the subject. Suggest that you go out on the patio together and look at the flowers. If all else fails take a break, and do something that will help you regain control. Take a walk or grab a cup of tea. Call a friend. If you can keep your wits about you, remain in control, and take care of yourself, you'll be more "present" (and pleasant) for him, and you'll both benefit.

---

Robert Bornstein, PhD, is Professor of psychology at Adelphi University, and co-authored "When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living or In-Home Care."

Regarding the horrific events in Aurora, CO. All I can say is that our hearts go out to the families of the victims.

Mussings about Dementa/Alzheimer's

If you don't know anyone with Dementia/Alzheimer's disease or have  parents or another loved one with Alzheimer’s disease you will soon do so. Statistics say that  5.4 million Americans have Alzheimer’s disease and another 14 million or so act as unpaid caregivers. It is a horrid disease that takes away independence, steals memories, and rips away most all  dignity. 70% of people with Dementia have Alzheimer's. It effects a lot of elderly people but is not  a normal part of being elderly.
My mother, my family and I have become part of this growing number, especially in the three years or so when our mom began exhibiting some of the typical traits of the disease.  She was no longer able to balance the checkbook or pay her own bills and started talking to herself even when people were in the room with her. The most obvious symptom, repeatedly saying the same phrases and asking the same questions came early on.
These days I've gone from being a daughter to being a caregiver, helping her change clothes, shower, brush her teeth, and get in and out of bed. Thankfully she can use the bathroom by herself as well as feed herself. There are many times when I think she won't make it another day and then there are times when I think she's getting better. This roller coaster of emotions is something I was not prepared for because I go from anger to joy to hopelessness in the wink of an eye. I have to shake myself mentally and remember that this is about her, not me, and try and understand how it affects her, a once sharp and creative woman who could do anything she set her mind to. Now I sometimes weep at the loss of my mother but am careful not to let her see the tears. Today is one of those days. She had a hard night last night, waking up three times trying to remember something that needed doing, then wanting to be in her own bed (she was), then waking up wanting to know if everything was off. Now she is sleeping and I can't get her up to go outside, which she loves to do. This worries me. To be honest I worry if she sleeps too much and worry if she sleeps too little. I fret over the fact that her appetite has become non-existent despite her medications to give her more appetite and a calmer mind. At least the horrible delusions and auditory hallucinations have gone away thanks to her meds. She is also on Aracept but I couldn't tell you if it is doing the job it's meant to do because like I stated above some days are good and some are bad. And yes I've talked to more than one doctor and nurses and health care workers and read hundreds of articles on the subject. And what I know is still not much but every little bit of information helps and you never know what tips will work to make your loved one more comfortable or easier for you to do your job. It's a pick and choose what works world.
 We no longer plan “spur of the moment” things or get away for even one night but this is the road I've chosen and most times I'm not sorry for it. She took care of me when I was a babe and now it's time for me to care for her. I will state here that my husband and granddaughter are a tremendous help to me and so is the support of the rest of our family. I couldn't do it without their help and love.
Care giving is a demanding job, a 24/7 job. Our goal is to keep Mom safe and comfortable at home for as long as we can. How long will that be? No one knows.  For now we will take it all one minute at a time. Incidentally Medicare/Tricare do not pay for in home elder care, only care that involves a medical problem like cancer or diabetes, etc. Incontinence, hygiene, feeding, etc. is all on your own dime.
I do still walk in the morning, most mornings anyway and spend some time on the computer when I can. Some days I just get to read email and once in a while I get to write on my blog. I know that it is recommended that care givers take care of themselves too but sometimes it's hard to do. Still I have a great support system and hopefully in the future we can work something out and get some professional home health care people in to help us out. 
That's about it. Remember to give your loved ones a call or drop them a postcard or a video (my brother and his wife and our daughter in Seattle make videos for my mom and she loves them).  Communication helps and it makes everyone feel like they are doing something for their loved ones.