Last Day of April 2016

Coming into May I find myself getting a little depressed. You see it will be the second Mother's Day without my mom. Time marches on and while it heals nothing it does dull the pain your loss. Sometimes it the pain does get the best of you though but like everything else it too passes on. I wonder why we're born if death is the conclusion of that life. What's the point of it all? Being a good person doesn't extend your life nor does being an evil person, death comes for all. It makes no sense to me. You work, you worry, you have times that you are happy but in the end you die and people go through your things and sell or give them away and maybe keep a few to use or to remember you by. Ah, I'm just in a dark place at the moment, just ignore my drivel. Why do I even ask you to ignore me when I know that seldom does anyone read this blog? Silly me.
I'm on Face Book and a lot of my in-laws and some who used to be co-workers are Republicans and some are coming around to Trump. What a disaster this election is. I try not to post anything political because I don't want to argue or hurt any persons feelings. We're all free to vote for who is running for whatever reasons we think they may be qualified. I'm a dyed in the wool Democrat and would rather vote for a yellow dog than a Republican. This election I'm supporting Hillary. I'd like to see what a woman could do in that office. Bernie Sanders offers pie in the sky promises that have not chance whatsoever of ever becoming law so I'm not supporting him. If he winds up getting the nomination in July I will vote for him but I will not work for his campaign or donate any money to it.
Thought I'd post a picture of one of our cats (we have two) just for something fun and sweet to uplift my mood. Her name is Pearl and she is a sweet and loving kitty who Evie rescued from the street.

Things I've been doing.

Been a while since I've posted anything. My excuses are many but I'll not bore you by listing them here. I'm posting some pictures to let you know what's been going on in my life. The first one is about the things we put in my moms coffin (aaaah I hate writing that word). I figured ancient Egyptians did it to accompany the deceased to the new world so I could do it for my mom. She was buried in a green pant suit that she made and green was her favorite color. An elephant pin and elephant earrings because she had a love for them. She said she admired them for taking care of each other and working hard. A Pearl S. Buck book because she was her favorite author. Her black dancing shoes with rhinestones, and her little black and white hounds tooth checked bag she took to the dances with 2 dollars and some change in it (she always worried about having a little money on her), also a couple of tissues. A pair of clean under pants because she always told me you should have them just in case you had to go to the hospital. Her everyday shoes that I couldn't bear to throw out or give to anyone else. The photo was shown on a pedestal to let people see how beautiful she was plus she did not want an open casket so this seemed like the right thing to do.

The second picture is of the Mississippi River crossing at Vicksburg, MS. We stopped here to eat our lunch on the way back home from attending my brother-in-laws funeral in Alabama. It was a beautiful day and a lovely place to stop and relax.

 

 

 

Went to see the English comic Eddie Izzard. He was very funny and we enjoyed his show and the Q&A session after the show.

Out one sunny morning walking with Evie.

Doing the Walk to End Alzheimer's with Pam in San Angelo.

At the Molly Awards with Krystal. She interns with the Texas Observer and got a ticket and took me as her plus one. She did all the graphic design work for the event. The dinner was really good and the speaker was as well. She's the wife of a politician from Illinois but I can't remember her name at the moment. She was funny and informative.

 



Mussings during the last days of December 2013

Our mom turned 87 in December but we lost the essence of who she was about four years ago.She started repeating things over and over and forgetting where her beauty shop was and small things like that. Then she'd forget a name and could not recognize people that she did not see often. Then June 30, 2012 she did not know who I was and that hurt, a lot.   Now she often does not know who we are but she forgets who she is and does not recognize herself in the mirror or in pictures.  Reality for her has become what she imagines in her head. More than once she has gotten up in the morning and looked for her husband (our dad died almost ten years ago) and she told me her brother was coming to get her; he too has died, many years go. My family and I have learned just to accept and not try and  understand her world because if you try to help her or correct the facts for her she just gets angry and upset. Sometimes in a violent way.   So we listen and do what we can to help her maintain some sense of dignity.
Some find her dementia a bit amusing, I know, because her mental connections (or lack of them) can at times become decidedly different from reality. But her confusion and worry are real to her, as is her pain, and there is nothing comical about that. On some level, I know she knows something is wrong with her though she cannot articulate it. Her increasingly frequent paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations, however, say all that needs to be said. She may have dementia but she has not lost her capacity to feel or fear. No amount of empathy from me can fill the deep hole that has opened in her life, and in her despair she is perhaps most connected to the reality that is here and the reality that awaits her.
I know I am not alone in facing both the helplessness I feel in trying to be of some aid to her and in the guilt that comes with the fact I do not -- perhaps cannot -- do more. Many caretakers and loved ones have it far worse than I do, because I can still talk to her -- though what transpires on a daily basis is more a monologue in which I listen to what she is saying and she ignores whatever I say.
The number of people, some young but mostly elderly, with dementia will rise dramatically as the population ages. This may be my future as well,  should I be fortunate enough to live a long life. At the same time, our ability to fight this disease and give those afflicted some additional years of mental capacity and a good quality of life is sorely lacking. Sadly, at this time no cure exists.
I know, most likely in the not too distant future, my mother will be gone in body as she now is in mind. Dementia will not only continue to overtake her but will, the medical professionals tell me, diminish both her will and capacity to live. I hang on to the thought during the twilight of her life that this is the natural course of things just as I realize that she has lived a long and full life. In that sense losing her carries nothing of the tragedy of those killed in wars or horrid events such as the many school shootings we have had that cut young promising lives short But that does not mean that losing her will come without pain. Amidst the sorrow, we will find ways to let her go and celebrate her life.

Sometimes Making a List Can Make You Sad

I was updating my Christmas card list today and became very sad when I saw how many of my friends on the list had died. One is too many but there were more than that to delete on my list. One I only learned had died after I sent my cards out last December. I emailed her and noticed she failed to email me back but I just figured she was busy or traveling. Not so. She was dying from a brain tumour but never said a word. I did keep emailing her since the emails always went through but I should have called and asked why I hadn't heard from her. When I did hear some news it was from her husband telling me of her passing. So here is my goodbye to some wonderful people that I used to write to and should have written to more. Sandy Ahara, Marie Russell, Eddie Gardiner, and Bonnie Carr. Sadly Eddie's wife and our good friend Betty Gardiner is in a nursing home suffering from advanced dementia. I wrote my annual poem dealing with this subject before I updated my list so I guess they were all on my mind. So write or call or visit  your friends and loved ones while you can because they won't be here forever.