May...still a difficult month for me

Don't know if I can post tomorrow or not so I'm posting this today. Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of my mom's passing. She is greatly missed.
I find myself wondering why getting over her death has been harder than getting over the death of my father. I've come to the conclusion that when my dad passed (Feb. 8, 2004) we had mom to worry about and take care of so there was little time to think and little time to mourn. Mom had been ill with Alzhiemers for about 7 years and the last three years of her illness where intense and then suddenly she was gone and I had nothing but time to mourn and comb through her belongings and see all the things that she had enjoyed. We're still finding things that I don't know what to do with. It's crazy. Because of this I have given away things of my own that don't have particular meaning for anyone so our kids won't have to go through the same task.
The old saying that time heals all wounds are wrong. It just dulls the pain.
On a happier note we have been having some good rain and Austin is green again.

Mussings during the last days of December 2013

Our mom turned 87 in December but we lost the essence of who she was about four years ago.She started repeating things over and over and forgetting where her beauty shop was and small things like that. Then she'd forget a name and could not recognize people that she did not see often. Then June 30, 2012 she did not know who I was and that hurt, a lot.   Now she often does not know who we are but she forgets who she is and does not recognize herself in the mirror or in pictures.  Reality for her has become what she imagines in her head. More than once she has gotten up in the morning and looked for her husband (our dad died almost ten years ago) and she told me her brother was coming to get her; he too has died, many years go. My family and I have learned just to accept and not try and  understand her world because if you try to help her or correct the facts for her she just gets angry and upset. Sometimes in a violent way.   So we listen and do what we can to help her maintain some sense of dignity.
Some find her dementia a bit amusing, I know, because her mental connections (or lack of them) can at times become decidedly different from reality. But her confusion and worry are real to her, as is her pain, and there is nothing comical about that. On some level, I know she knows something is wrong with her though she cannot articulate it. Her increasingly frequent paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations, however, say all that needs to be said. She may have dementia but she has not lost her capacity to feel or fear. No amount of empathy from me can fill the deep hole that has opened in her life, and in her despair she is perhaps most connected to the reality that is here and the reality that awaits her.
I know I am not alone in facing both the helplessness I feel in trying to be of some aid to her and in the guilt that comes with the fact I do not -- perhaps cannot -- do more. Many caretakers and loved ones have it far worse than I do, because I can still talk to her -- though what transpires on a daily basis is more a monologue in which I listen to what she is saying and she ignores whatever I say.
The number of people, some young but mostly elderly, with dementia will rise dramatically as the population ages. This may be my future as well,  should I be fortunate enough to live a long life. At the same time, our ability to fight this disease and give those afflicted some additional years of mental capacity and a good quality of life is sorely lacking. Sadly, at this time no cure exists.
I know, most likely in the not too distant future, my mother will be gone in body as she now is in mind. Dementia will not only continue to overtake her but will, the medical professionals tell me, diminish both her will and capacity to live. I hang on to the thought during the twilight of her life that this is the natural course of things just as I realize that she has lived a long and full life. In that sense losing her carries nothing of the tragedy of those killed in wars or horrid events such as the many school shootings we have had that cut young promising lives short But that does not mean that losing her will come without pain. Amidst the sorrow, we will find ways to let her go and celebrate her life.

Into September already

"No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day." A nod to Barbara for the above message.
Only got four days in so far this week. Had a doctor's appointment and a bone density test on two different days. One was early enough so I could get my time in before it got hot. Sadly we got into the 100 range again for two days and maybe some more on the way in the coming week. Summer will be over one day soon, I hope.
Seems Pres. Obama can't do anything right for some people. Pres. Reagan and Bush both spoke to school children without sparking an outrage. Also I don't know where this 'socialism' thing comes from. Do the people spouting that garbage even know what socialism is? I'm inclined to think they do not. The dictionary definition is "a system of society or group living in which there is no private property. a stage of society in Marxist theory transitional between capitalism and communism and distinguished by unequal distribution of goods and pay according to work done." No way, no how is the Obama administration supporting anything like that. Health care reform would be like Medicare, Medicade, CHIPS (administered by states), and Veterans Health Care. All of these programs have problems but for the most part they serve the people well. Horror stories of private health care denying claims and people dying as a result of these are too numerous to mention and it's weired to see people standing up for these giant health insurance companies who make a profit off of peoples ills. People being shouted down at meetings and carrying guns to town hall meetings. Hateful comments and slurs demeaning the President and his family are spewed out every day and wait for it...no one's getting arrested for it like they did when people were arrested for wearing t-shirts saying they didn't like the previous president. Preachers praying for the death of the President!! It's all crazy and I'm horrified and angered by it at the same time. I had hoped for a change but not this decent into madness. I don't like people for the most part and the actions of many are proving to me that I'm right to stay away from them. Whatever happened to do unto to others what you would have done unto you?

Same o same o

Still hot here, 105 and no rain. :-( Yesterday Frank called me to come to the front door and when I got there the precious smell of rain was in the air but alas it came from miles away because we didn't get any of the precious wet stuff. The seven day forecast calls for more of the same 100 plus temps and very isolated showers. I realize that having an unrelenting heat wave and drought is not the worst thing that can happen to a region but since I'm living with it and in it I think I will lose what's left of my mind if this weather doesn't break soon and we get some relief.
Saw some of President Obama's town hall meeting and was happy to see people behave like civil beings. Screaming, shouting, acting like an ass so others can't get their questions asked and answered is not exercising your 5th amendment rights it's stupid, rude, and asinine. By all means ask your questions and speak your mind but do it in a way that reflects respect on your up-bringing.
On a brighter note for me we enjoyed Tiger winning his 5th tournament this year and being a gentleman and speaking with respect about his opponent. We look forward to him winning the next tournament. Also it was good to see a football game again even if it is only pre-season. And all this hoopla over Michael Vick. Let the man play in peace. He payed his debt to society and is doing his community service with quiet dignity. He's not a murderer, drug user, rapist, etc...etc..so lighten up and let him play. If Peta has to have someone to beat up on go after those people slaughtering horses in Florida of hunters hunting game from helicopters, the list goes on and on and on.

No rain, too much sun.

On my walk this morning I was hopeful that some rain would come, but it the beautiful storm clouds were just that...beautiful and impotent. Sigh. It's depressing and distressing to see trees, flowers, and grasses dry up to a crispy yellow and brown. I did walk a tad over 2 and half miles and will most likely stay inside again to escape the afternoon heat. I will say that I'm sorry for the Pacific Northwest people (our Evie among them) suffering through a heat wave of there own because while we've had more heat than they have and no rain all summer long we at least have air conditioning. To paraphrase an English nursery rhyme. Rain, rain, don't go away, come see us at least every other day, all creatures great and small would like to play. Rain, rain, do go to Spain, please, please show your lovely face again.

On a more serious note. Go here and please, please, read the health care point plans with an open mind. Why do people think it's okay to let people who can't afford to live a good life do without and die because of lack of good health care and other basic necessities? How anyone could not do something to care for the those who have the least among us is beyond me.