I found this question on site I visit quite often agingcare.com. This question could have been asked by me with just a change in the wording from 'father' to 'mother'. The answer gave me some insight, so I hope it might help others deal with someone suffering from dementia too.
The past week has had it's ups and downs. Yesterday was going pretty well until my mom started yelling and scurrying down the hall that a 'lady' had told her to come out into the hall so she could tell her that she was going to be arrested so she could get her house. Somehow the thought of losing her home weighs large inside my mom's mind and she comes out with different scenarios about people trying to take it away from her. We do our best to reassure her that all is well and most times we can calm her. All I can think is that at times it must be hell inside her mind. The 'long goodbye' is indeed a cruel disease. I hate it.
The lines marked in red are what we identify with the most in the article.
Q: It hurts to see my father with Alzheimer's deteriorating before my eyes. How can I accept the decline?
A: Many people who have experienced a loved one's dementia have said that given the choice, they'd rather deal with almost any other ailment, no matter how painful or debilitating. There's little we can do to fix the deterioration of memory, communication skills, and reasoning that dementia steals away. Few experiences are as frustrating as watching a once-vibrant person deteriorate into a confused stranger. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's hard to accept gracefully.
Try to remain calm. Pain and helplessness breed anger, and anger about the situation may spill over onto the person. Answering the same question 20 times in one afternoon or hearing your loved one recite a skewed account of events for the hundredth time can make you want to scream, but losing your cool helps nobody. Remind yourself that your father did not develop dementia to annoy you: He's not doing it on purpose, and he can't help it. And it isn't your fault, either. It just happened.
So change the subject. Suggest that you go out on the patio together and look at the flowers. If all else fails take a break, and do something that will help you regain control. Take a walk or grab a cup of tea. Call a friend. If you can keep your wits about you, remain in control, and take care of yourself, you'll be more "present" (and pleasant) for him, and you'll both benefit.
Robert Bornstein, PhD, is Professor of psychology at Adelphi University, and co-authored "When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living or In-Home Care."
Regarding the horrific events in Aurora, CO. All I can say is that our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
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